Janet Albertson
When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace.”
This song lyric seems to say “when” not “if.” Darkness will be part of our earthly story. How do we keep our love for God alive and active when we seem to be in a dark place where we don’t understand what God is doing and we can’t see His face as clearly?
I have been in some dark places, and even though I still don’t know all God is doing with those dark places, He has held my hand; He has lifted my heart and my head above the dark clouds.
God gives songs in the night (Psalm 42:8). I remember when our second son was in respiratory distress shortly after his birth. He was whisked away from us and put on oxygen. I couldn’t be with him. My husband needed to get home to be with our other child. Alone in the hospital room, I sang, “Jesus, Jesus, how I trust You! How I’ve proved You o’er and o’er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, O for grace to trust You more!” and all the verses I could remember of that song. I didn’t understand why our baby was sick, but right then I gave him to Jesus. If Jesus wanted him, my hands were open. I had heard a sermon illustration that stuck with me: If Jesus wants something we are holding in our hands, it will hurt a lot more if He has to pry our fingers off of it, than if we open our hands and give it to Him.
Our Father God has all wisdom and all understanding to choose what is best for us. His ways are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9). He never makes a mistake, and He is full of steadfast love and kindness. He has promised never to leave or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). When we can’t see the reason or the plan behind what happens, it is an opportunity for us to trust what we know about God’s character. Focusing on these truths helped me to love God in the dark.
In 2011, I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 49. Though two of our children were grown, we still had four teenagers at home. Before I got the biopsy results over the phone, I prepared myself with the thought, “A lot of people have cancer. Instead of saying ‘Why me?’ I am going to respond, ‘Why not me?’” The lady giving me the news was seeing it for the first time, and she was not prepared for the results she was reading to me. I was able to give her comfort! I told her it would be okay. God was going to help me through it.
There were many hard, dark days and many decisions to make. We had to sift through well-meaning people’s advice and seek God’s peace in all of it. Then I faced the pain of life-changing, body-image-marring surgery, chemotherapy, baldness, and weakness. But through it all, God gave a song. God reminded me of His faithfulness through the body of Christ reaching out to us. Our homeschool group asked what they could do to help. I asked for cookies twice a week so that my daughter, who was picking up the cooking load, would know there would be something sweet provided that she didn’t have to make.
When concerned friends sympathized, “You don’t deserve this!” I remembered my “Why not me?” resolve and was able to respond, “God has a purpose in everything. I am meeting people through all my medical appointments that I never would have met in my quiet homeschooling life. Pray that they will see Jesus through me!”
A sermon we heard online by Rev. Rodney Loper entitled “For This I Have Jesus” was very motivating. We don’t go through the dark times alone. We have Jesus for THIS! Every “this” that happens, He is with us. Nothing has taken Him by surprise. Nothing is out of His control or His care.
We learned surrender and trust in new ways through the cancer journey. Every day became a gift!
God so kindly brought me through that valley, and I enjoyed several healthy years. But then in 2021, my rib broke when I was coughing. By that time, we had moved, and I didn’t have a doctor in our new state. When I was finally able to see a doctor, she suggested a scan to see what was going on. The news was even worse than a simple broken rib: The cancer had metastasized to my bones, with several lesions already present! We went to a recommended oncologist and were told, “There is no cure. We can try to slow it down. Usually, with this diagnosis, a person has 4-6 years to live.”
Psalm 90:12 says, “So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (NKJV). Cancer gives the gift of making us aware of our mortality. I won’t live to be 100 years old, as many of my relatives have. What do I need to prioritize in the time I have left? What stories do I need to write down about God’s faithfulness to me in my life? What kind of a legacy can I leave my children and grandchildren?
This was another dark place, especially after having just passed the tenth anniversary of thinking I was cancer free. But for this also, I have Jesus. He has never failed to keep me close to His side. He provided a drug study that was opening up just when we needed it. It was free to be in it, and the medicines were free also!
It seemed the study drug was helping to slow down the bone cancer. But then, two years into the treatment, my femur broke when I was going down stairs at work. It wasn’t a simple break, but a spiral one, a side effect of a shot I was on to “strengthen my bones”! A rod the length of my femur was surgically inserted. We found out from the pathology report that the break was from cancer in the femur. I was non-weight bearing for several months to allow for new bone growth. This was another dark time. But God’s presence was near. I was reminded again and again of His faithfulness, His sovereignty, His wisdom, and His foreknowledge.
We saw God’s hand in the details of my fall. We had just returned home from my mother’s funeral in another state. We were so thankful I hadn’t fallen at a gas station, a rest stop, or while we were at the funeral. Instead, the location of my fall was within a half mile of my hospital, so the excruciatingly painful ambulance ride was short. My surgery was added on to the end of the next day’s surgery schedule. However, the day of surgery, my surgeon was given access to two operating theaters, which was highly unusual. I was moved to second on the list! This was such an answer to prayer because the surgery brought relief from the intense pain and muscle spasms I was enduring.
Months later, when I was finally allowed to bear weight and walk again, I had new pain in my pelvis. An MRI showed multiple cancerous lesions, and it seemed like life was changing again. All of our children came home for a week to be together, to encourage us and each other, and to make a plan for the future. Psalm 139:16 became my new theme verse: “…And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them” (NKJV). We talked about how each of us will live as long as God has already planned for us to live. We comforted ourselves with the reality that Heaven is not something to be avoided or feared; it is the fulfillment of all we are living for. We had some really good conversations amid tears.
Since the time of my fall, God has allowed some other medications to temporarily work to slow the growth of the cancer. Others haven’t worked at all, or they damaged my lungs. Every pill I try, we pray for God’s will to be done in my health. Every scan I have, we ask God for accurate results and wisdom in the next steps. Every appointment, we pray for Jesus to be seen in our responses, and that our peace will make the caregivers hungry for our great Savior.
One thing I have repeatedly said is that my times are in God’s good hands. I trust Him because His plans are always for our good. That good always involves becoming more like Jesus (Romans 8:29). That is my desire: to be more like Jesus. I trust that cancer, pain, and darkness are tools in my Father’s hands, making me more like Jesus. I want others to see how trustworthy, loving, and faithful God is through my response to each hard thing that comes.
Angie Edwards’ song has meant so much to me: “I choose to trust the God I cannot see. I choose to walk the path He chose for me. I choose to love the One Who gave His life for me. I choose to put my faith and trust in Christ.”
We have the ability to choose to trust the One Who loved us enough to die for us. Some may decide to become bitter or angry at God, but I have found as I choose to trust Him, He is my Strength, my Light, my Hope… All that I need!
When I am in pain, I think about the suffering Jesus endured for my sins on the cross. My pain pales in comparison. When I am tempted to be discouraged, I choose to pray for others who have a harder journey. When I regret all the things I can’t do anymore, I choose to focus on what I can do—I’ve been able to read, proofread for others, make voice recordings for my kids and grandkids, do some one-on-one discipleship, knit, sew, and quilt—things I didn’t have enough time for before cancer re-entered my life! When I am tempted to self-pity, I choose to be cheerful, to encourage those around me who are providing so much for me. (Why would I add to the load others are already carrying by making them also prop me up emotionally?) I choose instead to lift their load by gratitude and the joy of the Lord. The devil wants me to be discouraged and defeated and to give in to the darkness, but I am aware of his tricks (2 Corinthians 2:11), and I want no part in going his downward direction. I lift my thoughts to my great Savior and all the good that He is doing for me through His grace! This is all part of loving God in the dark.
Whenever that last moment comes in my life, I want to be found trusting and loving God. Heaven is a place where there is no night. Darkness will be conquered. Pain will be erased. It will be worth everything to go there. I choose to conquer the darkness by trusting God, who is totally trustworthy. He’s proven Himself to be faithful over and over.
